UPDATE: 160 Hours

Writing is like traveling: it is inspiring, one can fantasize about all the things they'll do, and when they get around to doing the least bit of it they'll be  sharing their stories with the everyone they bump into at parties. Writing is also like traveling because the hardest, most mind numbing part of it that makes you question why would you ever do this to yourself in the first place is the hours you'll spend staring into space hoping something will magically happen. 

I should have known. I did know. There is really no one else to blame but me. 

I agreed with myself that there were two things that I needed to do before walking out and taking these 4 weeks off: 1) clear out the backlog of papers waiting my review and approval for nearly a month. 2) Finish writing the final report for the overseas project I worked back in October. Last week was going to be the week to do both. I would be focused, it was a short list, totally doable. 

Well, last week I was two days in and I left work having not touched either item. So I downshifted, booked my calendar for "work time" and focused. But I couldn't help myself, things just seemed to keep happening. By last night, I only had one item accomplished and maybe half of number 2. So I reflected: what the hell happened? I had a plan but made different choices in the moment, why? The long term visionary me was incredibly disappointed in the moment-to-moment me. But what did I put ahead of my two goals? My vacation?

Well, there was the regular noise. People stopping by looking to chat. They were good people, great people, friends and the most popular topic was "why are you still here?" If hanging a Grinch-style "Go Away!" sign wouldn't have been career limiting and painted me as antisocial, I would have done it. And yet secondly, there was a few items I deliberately prioritized higher than leaving. We need to hire more employees and our staff is stretched, so I helped review resumes. One of my students from two weeks ago was having trouble with the exams and the stress was getting to him, so I helped him out. On the drive home last night, I saw that I chose to put a few other things first. And doing so is both good and bad. On the one hand, I'm not working to get ahead. I want to help employees, I want to master my skills, I want to analyze data, solve problems, and make a difference. On the other hand, the problems will always be there, there is always something to work on, and the job will kill you if you let it - - so I should take care of myself and escape whenever I can. 

So I still have one thing to finish before I can leave and the dilemma is not how will I do it, but rather doing it while not sacrificing the other thing I want; well at least not too badly.    

Three more working days this week. I wonder if I can cut it down to one?

P.S. To any of my colleagues and friends who are reading this and perhaps engaged me these past two weeks, don't think I bear you any frustration. If I've waved you in or answered your call it was because I wanted to talk with you. And likewise if your call went to voicemail, it doesn't mean I didn't want to talk to you, I just may have not been at my desk.